Nation’s Scene Kids Mistake ACB Confirmation Hearings for “As Cities Burn” Reunion
WASHINGTON — Nielsen ratings registered a minor uptick in viewership among the 18–49 age range on the first day of the Senate Judiciary Committee’s confirmation hearings for President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett.
The sudden increase among the specific demographic of white, middle-class males more likely to live at home with their parents and have double-zero gauges has been attributed to the mistaken belief that Judge Barrett’s hearing would in fact be a reunion show of the post-hardcore band “As Cities Burn.” The band, with hit singles such as “The Widow,” “Contact,” and “Chains” was once a popular headliner of local concert venues and empty fields in the middle of nowhere.
“Yeah, I don’t know, I just heard ‘ACB from Louisiana’ and I got really excited to hardcore dance in my living room,” said Michael Pinsky of Franklin, Tennessee. “I even told my mom to clear the pit and move the sofa away from the TV.”
Pinsky’s confusion wasn’t just limited to the Supreme Court. “I haven’t heard the song ‘Emily’ in years. Wait, no, that was From First to Last, not ACB. I keep mixing them up. Okay, note to self. Shit, I did it again.”
“I was really hoping to see Bloodsucker live,” Christian Paulson of Shreveport, Louisiana told reporters. “But then I turned the channel to C-SPAN and saw some lady talking about abortion and how the n-word is okay to say at work.” Mr. Paulson took the realization pretty hard, at times choking up with tears that saturated his overgrown bangs.
“God, I feel like throwing myself into the sea,” he said before running away, his keys jangling on a carabiner attached to his belt.
The rise in viewership sharply declined on the second day of the proceedings, likely a result of scene kids across the country figuring out that Judge Amy Coney Barrett has little to no connection to the minor post-hardcore band As Cities Burn.
More on this breaking story as it unfolds.
Pat Enis is an award-winning journalist committed to the truth. Winner of the 2009 Dickems Prize, his work has been featured in prominent, respected publications including The Daily Dingle, Gentleman Caller, and The New York Times. You can contact him at email@example.com.