UNITED STATES — Pole watching enthusiasts from around the country find themselves at the center of the nation’s politics. Over the past week, President Trump’s tweets concerning poll watchers being banned from observing ballots being counted have brought unwanted attention to this small but passionate group.
“It’s just, ever since President Trump started tweeting about poll watchers, we’ve faced a deluge of messages, calls, and texts,” said Tom Roberts, president of the Pole Watchers of America. “All we ever wanted to do was simply gaze upon the upright pole in peace.”
WASHINGTON — Researchers at the Brookings Institute have published the results of a landmark 4-year study on the effects of political ideology and individual perceptions of reality. Among the findings is the revelation that the overwhelming majority of participants who support President Trump suffer from a remarkable inability to appreciate or comprehend basic irony.
“It’s really quite astounding,” the authors say, “that when presented with even the most obvious of ironies, nearly 85% of participants who report a ‘favorable’ view of President Trump simply could not see it.”
The study was conducted with nearly 10,000 participants who were presented with…
BATON ROUGE, LA — Local Trump supporter, conspiracy enthusiast, and racist uncle Jim Baker took to Facebook this morning to express his desire to see the country unite following Joe Biden’s victory in the presidential election.
The announcement marks a dramatic shift in Baker’s previous political positions, including those regarding liberal tears, which lives matter, and whether or not facts care about his feelings.
“I’m all for a free and fair election. If this is what the country wants, then so be it,” Baker wrote. “I just wish the Democrats didn’t have to cheat to win.”
Like many Trump supporters…
EVERYWHERE — An anxious COVID-19 sat huddled in front of its computer this morning obsessively refreshing its newsfeed for updated election results. Like President Trump, the virus has reportedly made plans to leave the country following a Biden victory.
“Maybe I’ll have to leave the country, I don’t know,” President Trump said at a rally in Georgia.
Originally, the president suggested the virus would choose to leave of its own accord.
“One day, it’s like a miracle, it will disappear,” Trump said at a press conference on February 28. …
BATON ROUGE — Louisiana Attorney General Jeff Landry stood outside the Louisiana State Capitol today as winds from the incoming Hurricane Zeta began to pick up to condemn the hurricane warning issued by Governor John Bel Edwards.
“People have got to be able to get back to work,” Landry told reporters on the capitol steps. “I mean, what does the governor expect us to do? Just hunker down and hide inside our homes because of a little wind? The people of Louisiana have a right to go outside, no matter what the conditions.”
WASHINGTON — U.S. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell spoke with reporters on Capitol Hill today, where he announced his plans to retire and focus his energy on locating the remaining Horcruxes so that they too may be destroyed.
McConnell has dodged questions about his withering, blackened hand and the cracking skin on his face that resembles a painting that ages on behalf of its subject. During his announcement, he confirmed suspicions that his affliction was caused by close contact with a cursed object.
“‘Tis a curse, you see,” McConnell said to reporters. “From the moment I slipped on that blasted…
NEW YORK — Former New York City mayor and personal lawyer for President Trump, Rudy Giuliani, reportedly made copies of files from Hunter Biden’s laptop to store on his own, private server.
Among them was a 3-gigabyte folder named “Definitely Not Porn,” which Giuliani says was a potential threat to national security.
“All I can tell you is, wowza. I mean, oooga,” Giuliani told reporters, imitating an old-timey car horn. He then cleared his throat and dabbed his forehead with a handkerchief before saying that it was in the interest of national security that he retain a copy of the…
NEW ORLEANS — Mayor Latoya Cantrell held a press conference outside of city hall today to announce new changes to the city’s coronavirus lockdown measures.
While the city is still currently in phase 3.2 of a 20-part phase system, Cantrell revised the restrictions to allow for large, unmasked gatherings that would be limited to Bourbon Street.
“Let me be clear, these changes only apply to the area between Canal Street and Esplanade Avenue,” Cantrell said. “If anybody, and I mean anybody, is not wearing a mask outside of Bourbon Street, I have instructed my officers to shoot them. No questions…
MIAMI — Controversial UFC fighter Jorge Masvidal greeted President Trump outside of Air Force One as the president arrived in Miami for his town hall at the Pérez Art Museum. The mixed martial artist appeared giddy and excited to begin his new position as Trump’s official chauffeur.
“I love George, I love him,” President Trump said of his new driver. “George is a great guy, and a terrific fighter, too.”
Masvidal rose to fame through early internet videos of unsanctioned backyard fights. Mr. …
WASHINGTON — Nielsen ratings registered a minor uptick in viewership among the 18–49 age range on the first day of the Senate Judiciary Committee’s confirmation hearings for President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett.
The sudden increase among the specific demographic of white, middle-class males more likely to live at home with their parents and have double-zero gauges has been attributed to the mistaken belief that Judge Barrett’s hearing would in fact be a reunion show of the post-hardcore band “As Cities Burn.” …